Death of a Salesman

Did you ever see “Death of a Salesman?”
Sometimes I feel like Willy Loman—the world has stopped buying what I’m trying to sell. Oh, it’s not quite that bad, but it makes you wonder, when you can’t even get a phone call returned.

Is it just me, or has the world gotten a little meaner, a little less considerate? How much effort does it take to return a stinking phone call?

“Hello, you don’t know me, but if you will call me back, I will give you the secret of making you fabulously rich, amazing you friends, and astounding your boss. What have you got to lose by calling me?”
Nothing seems to work.

What really chaps my hide is people who lead you on and on, only to slap a door in your face.

I can handle “no.” What I don’t swallow so easily are the games people want to play:

--Your appointment keeps you waiting 15 minutes, only to tell you “no.”

--Your appointment keeps your second meeting, only to tell you “no,” when a freaking phone call would have saved you a half-hour commute and the cost of gasoline.

--Your appointment keeps you waiting 15 minutes for the second meeting, to tell you “no,” when a phone call would have sufficed. (That way I can curse you when I hang up, as opposed to having to wait to curse you until I’ve reached the parking lot.)

Un-answered e-mails are just as bad.

I send all of mine so that I can confirm they’ve been received. That way there’s no guesswork.

When I don’t hear back, I know for certain I am really being ignored.

I’m developing a new tack on my sales pitches: If you don’t get back to me in 24-hours, any deal is off. I don’t want to hear from you the day after tomorrow, because I will have been long gone by then, baby, shaking the dust off my feet from your lousy doorstep. You want this, act now, because I am done playing the stupid waiting games.

Who knows—I may wind up being the most successful salesman ever, just by being rude, abrasive, and harsh. That seems to be the language most folks understand these days.

Cutting Noses and Lines of Credit

Life sure throws you some funny pitches, sometimes.

Nearly five years ago I was working for a BIG public corporatation, whose name you would readily recognize if I were to tell you.

That's not important.

This company was so big and powerful and profitable that they issued Corporate American Express credit cards to all of their Managers, so that we could more easily do our jobs. If we needed to travel--the line of credit was there to use, and the company would pay the bill directly.

The only catch was, the line of credit was in MY name, not the company's.

So I had to watch them like a hawk to make sure the bills were paid on time.

Shortly after I left that company, I inquired of American Express and my former employer about what to do with the Amex Corporate card issued in my name. American Express said the card was still good--go ahead and continue to use it; I never received a response from my former employer. Guess they were too big and high and mighty to care.

In fact, a couple of years ago, AMEX actually issued an updated card to me.

Fast forward to the present, and I am now finding myself in the interesting position of independant contractor, doing direct business with the former employer. Now they HAVE to treat me nicely, because I am one of their larger customers.

I've been using that Corporate AMEX card to enable large, five-figured transactions with the former employer. In fact, they suggested that I take the position I have assumed in order to retain a certain level of billing (for them).

I am something like a White Knight on a troubled account.

Whatever.

I received a letter in the mail last week telling me that this former employer had requested that American Express cancel the card, and brother, it was dead in nothing flat.

Amazing, don't you think?

Here's a big, fat-cat company that couldn't be troubled a few years ago to properly manage my transition enough to close the credit line then...and for the past years I have been using it, and paying the balances each month.

Now that the company has come to me and asked me to take on the financial risk of a certain project, including being personally responsible for it, they decide, "oops, better snag that AMEX card out there," essentially cutting the line of credit I was using to operate with them.

Talk about cutting off your nose to spite your face.

I, of course, immediately contacted American Express, and replaced the line of credit--which was already in my name--with another account.

Why is it that the bigger (and more out of touch) a large company is, the more difficult they like to make it to do business with them?

Blacklisting

I have decided that life is too short for helping those who don't want to be helped.

Henceforth and from now on, I will be trustworthy, loyal, honest and helpful to as many as I can be. I will not tolerate duplicitous behavior, however, and will shun those who say one thing to my face and do the opposite behind my back.

In a recent "exit interview" with the CEO of a former employer, I was told that the executive who had severed my relationship with the company was "not my enemy," nevermind he had the power to retain my position if he wanted.

Not my enemy?
Indeed, who needs enemies with friends like that?

This polecat had the balls to look me in the eye and tell me he was my friend.
Some friend.
Someone lied, someone was not truthful, and my litmus test for honor, virtue and shooting straight just got a lot harder to pass.

So I have now learned to be wary of female executives and Hebrew CEO's (or incarnations of both traits in the same body.)
If that's stereotyping, tough.

My experiences with both types have been less than successful in recent months, and I don't intend to repeat the pain.

Oaf!

I recently had the opportunity to assist a professional with his presentation skills.

His delivery and sense of entertainment is about as exciting as watching paint dry.

I gave him sound advice, coached him on his content delivery, and created several different, interesting ways for him to tell his story and accel in his effectiveness.

He stabbed me in the back.

He told me one thing and then did the opposite.

He had the gall to call me on a weekend and spew his venom and bile into my restful space.

Fine.

I will not get even.

I will get ahead.

He can rot in his own juices.

Communication Breakdown

They don't call the workplace a sandbox for nothing.

Our little sandbox is full of emotional five-year-olds, who figure the best way to get their way is to resort to childish methods...like refusing to talk to other people with whom they disagree or have a beef.

Yep, it's personal.

Case in point: One of our clients has in its employ a fellow against whom our CEO has carried a grudge for years. He won't admit it, but it's there.

Recently, our Fearless Leader all but told the client that if it were up to him, the man would be fired. Behind the scenes, he told us to not communicate at all with this individual.

The problem is, this person is the primary conduit through which essential communication flows from that business to others, including our's.

So we have been essentially crippled in managing our relationship with this company, all because our CEO thinks their CEO is an idiot for hiring this guy, and has forbidden us from talking to him.

Brilliant!

In sandbox vernacular: takes one to know one.

Mr. Negativity

My boss accuses me of being negative when I question processes and various requests. I think I'm just doing my job when I point out some of the more obvious flaws that are not recognized. Minor things, I suppose, like getting ahead of ourselves before the company is really ready to take on additional loads.

Sure, I'm all about growth, expansion, and moving forward. However, when the task falls to me to clean up messes made because we weren't ready, I think I have a right to question the "ready, fire, aim" mentality.

Perhaps it's not healthy, but I've nearly given up trying to figure out what this guy wants.

If I zig, he zags.

He gives me one set of instructions, and then issues the same task, sometimes with altered directions, to several others. The result is a chunky soup with too many cooks working on the broth, which no one can swallow.

I am not being negative.

But I am no yes-man, either.

WUSS!

I mentioned earlier that my industry is a 24/7, 365-days a year business. There typically are no days off, except Thanksgiving, Christmas, and maybe New Years. Certainly no banking holidays.

For years I have been highly critical of the government practice of
a.) passing out holidays like free money, and
b.) moving momentous dates around on the calendar to make said holidays more convenient to take.

For example, Columbus Day 2008 is on a Sunday, but in true government style, they're making Monday the holiday for a nice, long, three-day weekend. I would love to see a GAO report detailing what this wasteful practice costs you and me as taxpayers.

I must work on Good Friday.
I really don't mind it.
Less traffic, fewer phone calls.
It will be a somewhat tranquil day, by comparison.

I do resent, however, some in my business who think of what they do for us as a hobby, a mere afterthought, and who believe that any holiday is a holiday for them.

We have one individual who works from home.
He's paid good money for what he does.
Doesn't have to get dressed to do his job for us.
Doesn't have to commute.
Really has a plum situation.

You guessed it: He wants off for Good Friday.
Flippin' wuss.

Juvenile!

We work with a lot of different, difficult clients. They all have egos the size of battleships, which must be stroked as well as managed-- and in some cases manipulated a little to our advantage. Hey that’s life.

Sometimes they cross swords, and that’s when stupid decisions are made.

Recently the underling of one of these people was implicated (wrongly, I believe) in a bash-session at a party. Alcohol was flowing freely, and although the underling did not partake, he was fingered as the source of several unsavory comments directed towards our CEO.

Hmm, who do you want to believe, someone else’s sober employee or your own, inebriated lush?

Now, the edict has come down from the mountain top that this person is not to be communicated with, even though he is the conduit to a major client. Isn’t that the most intelligent move you’ve ever heard?

This is a high-maintenance client, too.
We call them PITA’s—Pains In The Ass.
Even have a framed Golden PITA Award we circulate around the office.

So what’s the best way to manage a high-PITA client?
Communication.

What’s this juvenile delinquent’s solution?
Ignore the client’s messenger.
Unbelievable.

Apparently, PITA is a contagious condition.

Stupid Idiots

Like the scene in the movie, "The Sixth Sense," where Haley Joel Osmont tells Bruce Willis, "I see dead people everywhere," I feel like I am stuck in an endless loop with idiots.
I see stupid people everywhere.
Or maybe they're just brainstems with legs.

The aforementioned Mensa, for example, who inexplicably believed the rules for Daylight Saving Time would be suspended the day after we turned clocks forward...

The moron in the Toyota Corolla this morning that slid over to the left, lane by lane, until he was comfortably installed in the inside, fast lane...going 50mph.
Meanwhile irate drivers swerved around him at 80mph.
Stupid idiot.

I realize that's ridiculously redundant.
But so are the boneheaded stunts some people pull.

Like one woman in our office, who turned off the air system because it was too cold in her office, and the rest of us roasted for two days' worth of meetings in the adjacent conference room, until the building engineer discovered what she'd done.
Bring a freakin' sweater.
Leave the @#$% thermostat alone.
Stupid idiot.

Mensa's On the Loose

How many problems could be avoided if only instructions were followed the first time?
I try to give a lot of notice and a lot of detail to my people, so that there’s as little chance for error as possible.
Basically, if my people look good, I look good.
If my people screw up…

Daylight Saving Time impacts different businesses in different ways. The “additional hour” of light presents some unique opportunities for us: An additional hour to do business…and an additional hour to manage.

My boss’ solution was to ignore the change.
However, just “turning it off” is not an option.
Our Controller really dropped the ball, however, thinking that Sunday’s time change miraculously would not be in effect the following day. She failed to update critical systems to reflect that reality.

Brilliant!

So I get a phone call at home on Monday evening, wanting to know what to do to fix the problem. I was happy to give my recommendation for a manual fix, 90-minutes before the fact. But when the Controller started sassing back about how much trouble it was going to be, I snapped.

“It wouldn’t be a problem if you’d followed the directions I issued last week, and we wouldn’t be having this conversation,” I said. “You called for help, which I am happy to give, so let’s focus on that part for now,” I continued.

The CFO backed me, saying yes, the instructions I gave were pretty clear. She had had a week’s notice to get it right.

This is the same Mensa that ignored/repudiated/blew-off my instructions for a weekend project that has been a fiasco for the past three weeks. She even got another employee in on the gambit, and together they figured out a way to create a situation that was hopelessly FUBAR.

They disregarded specific instructions for structuring the project in such a way that if one machine failed, a second one would continue to run. She cut corners and copied an operational template from one machine to another--without adjusting the configurations for that specific machine.
No wonder it didn't work.

I had it fixed in about 20-minutes.

The real irony in today's fiasco is that this beyotch last week sent to my staff an e-mail--almost in an end-run around me--reminding them of the time change, and asking whether they had their act together.

Busybody...fallow mind.

TURKEY!

You really know a person is a worthless turkey when they can manage to disrupt your office even after they've left the company.

I received a call this morning from a former executive who had been "separated" under such onerous circumstances they had to drag in a lawyer to mediate the divorce.
Four months ago.
This piker had schlepped some of his personal furniture into the office suite when he started here, and wanted it back.
Now.

Seriously, the guy calls at a quarter to eight in the morning to announce his movers will be here at ten to pick up his stuff. Thanks for the notice, you creep.

Three Hermann Miller (oooh!) office chairs and a white board in a conference room.
Not a dry erase board on an easel, mind you.
No, this sucker is anchored into the studs and sheet rock.
When it comes out, it's going to leave a large hole.
He wants it now.
Has to have it today.

I told him he would have to give us a little time to arrange to have the thing removed; there were back-to-back meetings scheduled for that conference room all day long.

When he asked to speak to someone else about this (remember, it's an hour and 15-minutes before the office opens), I suggested he speak to one of the partners, a former Air Force Colonel, who likes this guy even less than me.

Within the hour, moving men were rapping on our door, wanting his stuff. I gave them the chairs and an IOU. We'll probably just offer the jerk some more money so he can go buy another white board somewhere else.
Like he needs it.
Meanwhile, two people showed up for work this morning with no chairs in their work spaces.

What a great legacy to leave behind at a place you've worked. A crappy taste in everyone's mouth, and a few gaping spaces to remind us we're glad he's out of here.

No-show Numbskulls

I work in an industry that operates 7-days a week, 52-weeks a year. In some instances, this is a 24/7 business, although we've figured out a way to make it a little more humane, and only have to be "on" during somewhat regular business hours.
Call it sun-up to sun-down.
Regular as rain...or it should be.

People crave to do what we do.
They clamor to be like us.
They pay serious money to emulate what we do.

But when there's a freakin' holiday, they all run for the hills.
The least excuse to not have to do any work, they're gone.
No commitment, no passion.
No professionalism.
Pisses me off, no end.

Today was an alleged holiday.
Banks are closed.
Post Office is closed.
Fine.
Whatever.

One guy phoned up two hours before his time and bailed out. Another guy just didn't show up.

That's it--I am taking the rest of the day off.
After all, it's a holiday.

Foolish Follies

Why do some bosses assign a task, refuse to review it or offer guidance during the process, and then critique and change it upon completion?

I work for a guy that is impossible.

He refuses to become a part of the process, even though all the "big picture" suggestions are his. Then he requires a complete re-do when the finished product isn't to his liking.

We've been working on a project for three weeks that really shouldn't take more than a few days to complete. But repeated vague directions followed by rejections has resulted in a very frustrated team, and a project that is now hoplessly stalled. No one is willing to venture a move on their own because we all know it will likely be rejected.

Today the second version of this project was finished.

Do you think the Boss would review it?

Noooooo.

He said to give it to me to review.

So I did.

A few tweaks here and there were suggested. And when those minor changes were made, the Boss then said they were all wrong, and issued a new set of "guidelines..." such as they are.

Here's some guidance, right back at you:

Why not C-O-M-M-U-N-I-C-A-T-E to us through out the process, and you may be a lot happier with the finished product.

And the next time you defer your judgement for my opinion, take it to heart, or take it on down the road.

You make us both look like fools.

The Ass in the Corner Office

I’m sitting here waiting for a meeting to begin with a fellow that locked me out of our space last Friday morning. Said he’d been told by corporate to change the access code because too many of our former employees had it. The interesting thing is, I haven’t replaced anyone since the Summer, and his people have been running through here like a bus station. He makes them mad and runs them off quicker than a Baptist preacher at a Cathouse Convention.

We’re about to move offices, and I need to coordinate some of the logistics. Every minute of my day is precious, and this dick changes the locks without telling us, one week before we’re going to be gone anyway.

Oh, excuse me, he did tell us.

Via email, at 8pm the night before.
What an ass.

So I called a meeting for 8am to work out the rest of the logistics, just so there are no surprises—or additional lock-outs.

He’s running late, and I’ve got a sneaking suspicion that’s the way the final days here are going to go. He will slight us, and we will just take it, because what are we going to do, leave?

Although this is an anonymous blog, intended solely for the relief of my mental stress and frustration, how I wish I could reveal his name. Bet you know someone just like him.